𝟏𝟏: 𝐉𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐧𝐚𝐥

"raaz aankhein teri, sab bayaan kar rahi."

Opening someone else's wardrobe is not a good practice, unless it's for anything bad.

I had been rummaging through Nirwan ji's wardrobe after ending the call with Surbhi.

It's eleven in the night now, the sound of the rain has increased now, and I also know Nirwan ji is not going to come back within the next hour.

Midnight is the deadline. He may walk in the room anytime after twelve. So I have one hour to know where he kept his wife's journal.

It wasn't anywhere in the other drawers, and only his wardrobe is left where I can find it. And I'm pretty sure it is here, when I look at the pile of clothes inside.

Looks like he hasn't arranged his wardrobe for years, it all looks so shabby and untidy.

I started looking through his clothes, and there I found it under loads of tshirts in the last shelf of the wardrobe.

A thick journal with a dark brown leather cover.

I immediately pulled it out from beneath the pile of clothes mounted over it, holding it with trembling hands.

I closed his wardrobe and looked at the time, 11:10 pm.

I still have a lot of time. I could read a lot in only thirty minutes and hide it back so that he doesn't get to know.

I sat on the bed, slowly flipping the cover to open the first page.

This journal belongs to Aakriti Sharma

My heartbeat stopped when I read the name. I asked everything about his first wife from Surbhi but didn't ask her name.

Her name was Aakriti too?

Now I get it. Now I know why Nirwan ji was taking my name like that on the night of my muh dikhai when he was drunk.

I slowly flipped the page while gulping, opening the first entry.

_____

July 12, 2018

I love Nirwan so much. He gifted me a journal to write whatever comes into my mind because I always irritate him with my blabbering. I don't know if I should be annoyed with him or not, because I like writing down my thoughts.

Anyways, I'll write everything about my days here now. I would feel light sharing my thoughts in this journal.

At least, this wouldn't judge me like the people.

Aakriti.

_____

What does she mean by 'people'? Who used to judge her if she had Nirwan ji who loved her so much? And not only him, his entire family is so loving.

_____

July 20, 2018

It's my birthday on the 26th, I'm really excited for the surprise Nirwan and the family are planning for me. But I'm not ready for the surprise that bastard will give me.

I'm not ready to face him. I don't know what to respond when everyone asks me who he is.

I hope he doesn't end up coming to the party venue on my birthday.

I'm scared.

Scared of having conflicts with Nirwan over small misunderstandings.

Aakriti.

_____

My heartbeat didn't switch back to normal when I finished reading the entry.

Who is she scared of? Who will end up at her birthday party?

_____

July 26, 2018

Today was my birthday. It was evening and I was relaxed that he thankfully didn't appear on my birthday. But I was wrong.

He did.

He just barged inside the venue and created a scene here. I shouted back at him and asked him to leave, and he left, but after creating a lot of nuisance in front of everyone.

I'm glad the locals weren't invited and this didn't go out to the news channels.

I tried to talk to Nirwan, I thought he would be angry. But he only gave me silent treatment. He didn't even listen to me and left the venue at that moment.

He is not picking up my calls. I'm so scared. I hate when he is upset with me, because you better know you fucked up if you annoyed Nirwan Malhotra.

I'll apologise and talk to him tomorrow, maybe.

Aakriti.

_____

My eyes nearly bawled out, while I proceeded to move to the next entry, when I heard the door knock.

I immediately ran towards the wardrobe and kept the journal back into place, removing all the evidence that someone ever tried to search for it.

I went towards the door and opened it, while the tall figure of Nirwan ji caught my heartbeat off guard. He was looking so effortlessly attractive that I felt those weird sensations in my stomach again.

His black silk shirt tightly stuck to his muscular body, his entire body drenched with water due to the rain. His sleeves were rolled up to his elbows, his eyes red.

Those red eyes, the same red eyes he had on the night of my muh dikhai.

The thought of that evening is enough to send a wave of flashbacks of whatever happened between us, and it only worsens the sensations in my body.

And also those rare sensations between my legs.

It's not like I don't know what it all means. It's just that I've never felt these from a real man.

A man who has such a fucked up relationship with me that I can't do anything at all.

Plus, I actually don't like what he did with me. I hate male touch.

"Why did you take so long?" His question snapped me out of my thoughts, while I shook my head.

"N-nothing. I was...in the bathroom," I lied, while he nodded and took steps closer to me.

My breath hitched, the realisation creeping inside me. I turned to the side, making way for him to walk inside the room.

I smelled strong alcohol from his mouth, just like the one I smelled that night.

He is again drunk, in that way.

I should keep my distance or else...

I closed the door and locked it from inside, turning around to face him.

A shiver ran down my spine when I saw the way he was sitting and looking at me — he was seated on the couch with his legs spread wide, his hands behind his head, while he looked at me with a sly smirk.

I gulped and looked away, walking towards the bed to lie down and sleep as soon as possible.

"Aakriti," he called out, making me halt at my spot. I turned to look at him.

"Come here," he said, patting his lap.

His...l-lap?

"Nirwan ji, actually I want to-"

"Come here, doll."

What did he call me?

Doll?

Am I dreaming?

No, it's all because he is drunk.

He is only drunk.

I slowly started walking towards him with baby steps. I stood closer to him, my thoughts battling.

Should I sit? Will it be really okay?

I tightened my fists, feeling sweat forming in my palms and hairline. I bit the flesh of my lower lip with my teeth, when I felt a hand grabbing my wrist and pulling me down.

My ass slammed against his left thigh, my chest heaving up and down by the heavy breathing. I bit my lip even more badly, closing my eyes tightly.

I can't look at him looking at me like that, it's so embarrassing without any reason.

"Look at me, doll," he said, while I slowly opened my eyes when I felt his two fingers under my chin.

Please don't touch me, Nirwan ji.

I felt something even wetter down there between my legs, and I somewhat couldn't predict what was going so wrong with me.

It was maybe because his trousers were wet from the rain. It's not me at all.

He is only drunk, Aakii. He will not remember anything tomorrow.

Or maybe he will.

If he is in his senses when he is drunk, why is he doing this right now?

I should stop him. I have to stop him or else he will blame me again with his filthy words that I enjoyed his touch like last time.

I tried to stand up, but he wrapped his left arm around my waist so tightly that it prevented me from moving a single inch.

His arm was so thick and huge that he could easily break me into two pieces with one spank on my waist.

I licked my dry lips, feeling my throat getting drier as well. But nothing between my legs seemed to be dry. I felt as if something was coming out.

It's just that normal discharge, Aakii. Focus.

"Nirwan ji, please jaane dijiye humein," I protested, while he pulled me closer to himself, and now his face was dangerously close to my chest.

[Nirwan ji, please let me go.]

"Kyun jaane de aapko?" he asked, almost like a whisper.

[Why should I let you go?]

Why is he talking like that?

"Aap pichli baar ki tarah fir se ilzaam laga denge hum par. Humne toh aapko kaha tha humein chhodhne ke liye, lekin-"

[You will blame me again like last time. I asked you to leave me, but-]

"Shh, aur kitni baatein karengi aap, jaan?"

[Shh, how much more are you going to talk, my love?]

I almost forgot how to breathe when he called me 'jaan'. My chest was heaving up and down faster than before. I felt suffocated in the room which was full of oxygen in reality.

"Nirwan ji, please. I'm tired," I tried to make an excuse, but he didn't even move.

He closed his eyes and inhaled my perfume. It's fragrance was almost gone, but he seemed to be inhaling a little that was on my dupatta.

I felt his hand clutching my dupatta slowly, before pulling it off my body and throwing it on the floor.

I gasped, trying to catch it, but it flew even farther due to the wind blowing from the window.

The rain was only increasing, along with the thunderstorms. The weather seemed to be getting worse like the situation right now.

I felt his lips on my right shoulder, while he pulled me closer, and I was now straddling the part of his body that I shouldn't.

Please save me, Mahadev.

He started kissing my neck, while a soft moan escaped my mouth. I held onto his shoulders, trying to stop him, but he didn't even bother to remove his lips from my neck.

He bit a spot really harshly, causing me to release the loudest moan ever. I felt a stinging pain at the spot where he bit me, a lone tear escaping the corner of my eye.

His lips trailed in between my neck to kiss my Adam's apple, and I cursed myself initially for raising my head up and giving him space to kiss my neck further.

I hated the way he was acting right now as much as I enjoyed it.

I don't know why I was enjoying it though, this was wrong. Really wrong.

His lips now reached my chin, and he was slowly proceeding to my lips. I was breathing heavily, releasing my hot breaths against his lips which were now brushing against mine.

I closed my eyes tightly when I felt his tongue sliding inside my mouth, our lips colliding. I felt the foul taste of alcohol from his mouth, while I tried to push him away.

But he didn't even budge.

I let out a whimper when he didn't move, but it didn't work either.

He claimed my lips as if they were his possession, as if he owned them more than I do.

He took away my first kiss. Without even asking me if I want to give in or not.

Why is he like this?

He continued to kiss me unless we both ran out of breath. I have never kissed anyone, so I don't know how to revert a kiss either.

But even if I knew how to do it, I would have never returned his kiss to him. I can't do this. I already hate these things so much.

Physical contact like this is the most disgusting thing for me on this planet.

Yet, I let him do it all.

Our lips broke apart, while I gasped for breath. Before I could process his further actions, he stood up with me in his arms, carrying me towards the bed.

He laid me on the bed gently before hovering over my figure, "You're so beautiful, jaan."

"Nirwan ji, I don't like this-"

"You don't like what, jaan? Me touching you?" he asked, before leaning his face closer to my right ear.

"Or me being physical to you after having my Aakriti in my heart?"

My eyes widened, my heart stopping to beat in my chest. A breath escaped my mouth while my body started feeling numb.

He is in his senses this time. He is fully aware of what he is doing with me.

He mentioned Aakriti Sharma, his first wife.

"Y-you are doing all this on purpose?" I asked, while his lips hovered over mine again, making me close my eyes instinctively.

"No."

I opened my eyes slowly at his response, while he stared deep into my eyes with something I don't know — a gaze I've never been looked at from.

"You didn't accept me as your wife, why are you doing this then?" I whispered, while he brushed his lips with mine.

"I don't. But you, you are making me do things I shouldn't, Aakriti," he replied, staring into my eyes with deep obsession.

I clutched his shoulders to push him away from me, but he grabbed my wrists and pinned them above my head.

"Why are you doing this to me, jaan?" he husked, while I shook my head.

"I don't know what you are saying, Nirwan ji. What is wrong-"

He silenced me by kissing me again, his lips moving at a faster pace this time. He bit my lower lip, forcing a soft moan out of me.

Why is he being so close to me if he is in his senses? I didn't even make him or ask him to do this.

Will he blame me again tomorrow?

If he does, I'll protest. I won't stay silent this time.

He broke the kiss after a solid minute, both of us breathing heavily. I could feel his hot breaths fanning my face, and I knew he could feel mine.

He nuzzled his face in my neck, kissing the same spot where he bit earlier.

"Tumhari masoomiyat mujhe rok leti hai," he whispered in my ear, while I closed my eyes, feeling something coming out of me again.

[Your innocence stops me.]

"Please ruk jaiye, humein yeh accha nahi lag raha," I replied before gulping a lump forming in my throat.

[Please stop, I'm not liking all this.]

"Tum chahti ho mai ruk jau, par tumahara jism nahi."

[You want me to stop, but not your body.]

His response made me feel even worse in my stomach, while the wetness down there peaked its presence.

"Chhodh dijiye...please..." I begged, while he raised his head up to make his face clearer to me.

[Leave me...please...]

I looked into his eyes with tears welling up in mine. He leaned his face closer to mine and kissed my forehead, a single tear slipping free from my eyes.

He kissed away the tear as well, before standing up from the bed. He glanced at my entire body one last time, while I noticed something I shouldn't have.

That big thing inside his pants — so damn huge.